I Don't Hate You I Have BPD
Updated: Mar 1, 2021
Disclaimer: This blog post is proudly sponsored by Seed but all opinions are my own. Seed are the makers of the Daily Synbiotic is a probiotic plus prebiotic is vegan and gluten-free and includes 24 clinically-studied, naturally-occurring strains, not found in yoghurt or fermented foods and beverages. If you aren’t familiar, Seed is $49.99 a month, and they offer a 30-day risk-free guarantee. Our readers can also save 20% off your first month with coupon code CYBERGUT. As a Seed affiliate, we may receive compensation, if you purchase products or services through the links provided, at no extra cost to you. This helps support the running of the blog.
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness. It causes instability in people's mood, relationships, self-image, and behaviour from one day to the next. This can damage work and family life, the ability to make long-term plans, and a person's sense of self-identity. Women are more likely than men to have BPD. Researchers continue to study BPD, its causes and symptoms.
A person with BPD can experience intense moments of anger, depression and anxiety that can last only hours or, sometimes even days. A person with BPD can also be aggressive, hurt themselves, and abuse drugs or alcohol. Your own identity, which may include long-term goals, career plans or jobs, friendships, relationships with loved ones, or values, is not stable and often changes.
They may also have a history of intense and unstable relationships. Sometimes people with BPD consider themselves inadequate or unworthy. They may feel misunderstood or hurt, jaded or empty.
I'm Valeria And This Is My Story
Meet Valeria, (not her real name) she’s from Spain. She is 19 years old and 10 months ago she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). That is why she prefers not to give her name because her ailment (characterized by strong impulsiveness and great emotional instability) has already given her enough problems in her life. After all, she has been suffering from it for years. Like so many other young people who only received a diagnosis in adolescence.
Valeria, in fact, has always felt different. "It wasn't a bad feeling. I felt superior, that I knew more than the other girls But not from the academic point of view. I mean the feelings. Mine always felt deeper."
Valeria also suffered from bullying, which she suffered until she dropped out of fourth grade. Although Valeria is not alone: BPD affects around 3 percent of the adolescent population and many are heavily bullied or ostracised for the way they behave around others. Tens of thousands of people suffer from what is commonly known as borderline, a disorder that carries a risk of suicide 50 times higher than the average.
It Felt Like My Body Was Shutting Down
Valeria knows this hell very well. "It has happened to me a few times. I was very afraid that my friends would abandon me, that they would pass me by. Just thinking about it I suffer from anxiety attacks, I find it difficult to breathe. I remain still, without moving, until it felt like my body was shutting down". A year ago she hit rock bottom after living a relationship of three months, on WhatsApp and on the phone with the brother of a friend. "For me he was a potential partner, and I think he saw me the same way. But then he told me that he was scared, that it was very intense. And that destroyed me. I don't know how to be otherwise."
Valeria stopped eating and couldn't sleep, even though she didn't get out of bed. "I started to get scared. I was afraid of dying. I didn't try, but I was thinking about it. That's why I decided to ask for help."
Eventually, she overcame her resistance to consulting a psychiatrist, due to her refusal to be medicated. "My father suffers from a depressive disorder, has been taking pills for years and did not want to end up like him," explains the young woman, who now takes antidepressants, sleeping pills and, in times of crisis, anxiolytics. "I am no longer against taking drugs. They have helped me."
But there are no medicines that alleviate the ten identified types of personality disorders, classified into three groups: that of eccentric, suspicious people, who sometimes distort reality; that of the very emotionally unstable; and that of the very fearful, with great inhibitions. Yes, there are drugs that are usually prescribed as a stabilizing factor when BPD, which overlaps with other psychiatric disorders, such as depression or anxiety.
Valeria: My Life In Three Words
If I could define my way of life in three words, these would be:
Go All In!
Every day in life is an eternal party for me, full of laughter and jokes, where nothing is so serious or important but the next it seems crueller than it really is. So don't worry if I'm laughing out loud and the very next minute instantly crying out. It's "normal" and it will pass.
I do not accept half-hearted relationships, I ask people who want to be with me to be "with me or against me", in return I give exactly the same.
Sometimes I doubt that my existence, I wonder if my existence is real or I am part of a dream or a movie, of which I am not the protagonist.
What do you want it to be? Who do you want to be with? I can be whatever you want: sweet or rough; discreet as a grave or the gossipiest that can exist. I will be what makes you happy, as long as you want to be with you.
A song, a novel, a phrase make me dream, they transport me to "another place" if you don't want me to get mad, don't get me off that cloud.
From one moment to the next I can become violent and aggressive, when that happens I do not understand reasons, please do not try to calm me down, stay away, because one way or another, I can destroy you.
Do you know what question they're asking me the most often? “How would you be so smart about some things and so dumb about others?”
One day I would jump off a parachute, just for you to see me, and tomorrow I would hide in a corner of my bedroom, from you and the world.
I can be both a big liar or brutally honest.
I can cry at the movies and the television news, but the tragedies of my neighbors rarely have any effect on me.
You will be surprised to know (and you will know) that you can have a completely different idea about my personality and other people, although both are right. I have no mercy, no compassion and I give no respite to my enemies, although I would give my life for those I love, as long as I love them.
I have a strange ability to peer into your soul, to see your weakness and expose them. So take care, because what you say or do will most likely one day be used against you. I can convince you of something, even if I'm not convinced of it myself.
I will always give you an answer to everything, and with extraordinary bluntness, I think about what I have to say to hurt you.
Today I want to spend the rest of my days with you, however, tomorrow I may regret it. If one day I tell you that I do not want to see you again, do not feel guilty, because you are not guilty.
I can assure you something, nobody suffers more than me. There is only one thing that does not change, I want to get over this.
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This blog post is proudly sponsored by Seed but all opinions are my own. Seed are the makers of the Daily Synbiotic is a probiotic plus prebiotic is vegan and gluten-free and includes 24 clinically-studied, naturally-occurring strains, not found in yoghurt or fermented foods and beverages. If you aren’t familiar, Seed is $49.99 a month, and they offer a 30-day risk-free guarantee. Our readers can also save 20% off your first month with coupon code CYBERGUT. As a Seed affiliate, we may receive compensation, if you purchase products or services through the links provided, at no extra cost to you. This helps support the running of the blog.